(1)
Am I really falling for you? I don't know. I just met you three weeks ago. I'm just beginning
to get to know you better. The first time that we've been together, I felt the attraction coming. Was it your smile? Maybe,
I just don't know. But you're sweet, innocent and carefree. You're young, I know that.
But you're committed and the situation is not that simple. The person you're with is my friend.
And I don't know how to act when I'm with both of you. I guess threesome is not a good idea after all. I don't want to act
on this attraction, I've told you that. I'll just let it go with the flow. I just wanted to liberate my feelings by letting
you know. And as promised, nothing's gonna change. If you need someone to talk to, i'll be here. I guess that's where I'm
really good at.
September 1995
(2)
Last night I wanted to say many things, but I opted not to. There are things better
left unsaid.
Last night I wanted to do many things, but i opted not to. There are things better left undone.
Tonight I feel alone, in this empty room. Only memories of what had transpired the other night
keeps me company. Memories of you. While you were sleeping I can't help myself but look at you, stare at you. I might not
see you again that way -- in my arms. I wanted to cry but I held back my tears. I wanted to hold you but I can't...and I won't...unless
you ask me to.
I keep on telling myself that I shouldn't feel anything when I am with you. I'm there last night
because you needed me, you needed a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. You treat me as a friend, and that's all there is
to it. I'll always remember that when I am with you.
I'm fighting myself, my feelings. I'm beginning to like you more, I kept asking myself last night
if it was a good decision to stay. I guess it was not. But how can I turn my back on you when you needed me?
When I cried before I left, it was true that I'm concerned about Timmy and Thet. They're my friends.
But there's more to it than just that. I don't want to admit to myself that I am falling for you. It hurts me when you talk
about Thet and your declarations of love for her. I don't know why you keep on loving her knowing that she is having an affair
with Timmy. I don't know. I shouldn't be feeling this way. I'm getting affected by all these. I know I shouldn't feel anything.
I don't have any right.
There's a great battle happening within me. And my heart is beginning to overpower my mind.
Don't you worry, perhaps I'll get over this feeling as soon as my heart stops beating.
29 September 1995
(3)
I'm having second thoughts. I don't know if I should give you the letter. After we
talked, it just came to me that I should stop entertaining hopeless thoughts...
about you, about me.
It really hit me. Those painful words, they're killing me.
It's better for me to end this wishful thinking. This foolishness.
I guess it's really time for me to go. But before I go, I'd like you to have the letter, I'm
taking the risk.
Cease wounding me
or else
allow me to die.
03 October 1995
(4)
I dialled you number, once, twice...many times. I just wanted to know if you're okay.
I just wanted to hear your voice. But whenever your phone rings, I can't muster enough courage to push through. I just retreat
in silence...in writing about what I feel, about how I feel. I don't know what I'll say if I finally get the chance to talk
to you.
I triend to send messages via your beeper. But then again, the words get in the way. I wasn't
sure of what I am going to say. Besides, I don't have the right to tell you.
And I guess I never will.
You wouldn't know how much...
Because you wouldn't allow me to. Because it isn't right. Because I wouldn't allow myself either.
I am in bondage...I am a friend.
I know. But I just couldn't stand it. It's been ages since I felt like this and it hurts me because
it couldn't happen. I don't really know. Maybe it could...if you only see me in a different light.
I guess I'll never know.
If I could only turn back the hands of time I'd really like to tell you how much...
BUT BECAUSE I AM A FRIEND,
i can't let my feelings
soar up into the sky
i
can't let it go
though i am certain
of how much i feel for you
i'll just let silence rule forever.
But if you'd ask me...
10 October 1995
(5)
I will not act upon this attraction.
Until I am sure about what I want, about what I feel. Until I am sure that I really want this
to happen. Until I've decided to choose that this is the kind of life that I'll be living for the rest of my life. Until then
I just have to be contented in this kind of situation. No commitment, no strings attached.
Things are really better left unsaid. Yet my deeds, my acts seem to be giving me away.
I know that you've been noticing that I'm acting kinda weird lately. I just can't help it. I'm
the kind of person who doesn't talk much. And I promised myself not to tell you about how I feel for you. Until you ask me
to.
I don't want to initiate, I don't want to make the move. I've done it before and it's hard. I
don't want to hurt anymore. I've taken too much risk in the past and they have caused me so much pain.
I want to he healed.
I need you to heal the wound that my past gave me.
So please ask me to say what I really feel for you.
09 December 1995
