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Inside ACO's Poetic Mind
On Loving A Les Mom
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I love A, my first love. It's always been like that. Though we separated ways for 11 years, being reunited with her for the second time made  my life so beautiful -- and meaningful. She is the reason for my being. She is the reason why I managed to stay alive. She is my life.

But it isn't that simple. She is married, with a two year old kid. And she lives with them. I know a lot of eyebrows will raise, a lot of tongues will start talking, but getting affected is the last thing on my mind. I am responsible for my actions. I choose to be, so let me be. Being a lesbian is hard, loving a les mom is twice as hard. But I can bear it, and I accept it. It is my choice. And it is mine alone to make and to bear.

Call it sado-masochism, but I've been with her family, spent weekends with them and even slept in their house. I listened to her Mom's stories on how A and her husband planned their marriage for almost a year. I am her ever loyal  "bestfriend" whenever I am with her family. Gasgas na linya, but I know most of us use that term. Specially for those who aren't OUT.

I love the kid, I play with him whenever we're together. And he is fond of me too. He often calls me on the phone to tell me "Uwi ka na!" and it melts my heart. How I wish I could go home that very moment to be with him. Cuddle him and play, tell him stories. How I wish I could tell him about us, his Mom and I. But I can't. It is not yet time, his mind is too young to understand that.
 
I befriended her husband, we talk. We even have the same interests. Sometimes I can see myself in him -- his traits -- loving, thoughtful, silent type. He's very kind. Wala akong maireklamo. He loves A very much.  But I can't forget the line A told me: "Humanap lang ako ng male version mo."

Male version ko. I don't know what to say that time, I hated myself for leaving her, only to realize that it is she that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I was not ready to face the world then -- that was 11 years ago. I was 16, she was 18. And now, when we finally met a few months back, the old flame of love have been rekindled. It ignited like a wild fire. We can no longer fight it. The harder we try, the more it burst into flames.  

I know how much A loves me, I don't doubt her love for me. I already know my place in her heart. I don't have to ask her to prove it to me. But it hurts me to know that she comes home not to me, but to her family. It pains me to see her with her husband. Being in the same house, being together. Although I know in my heart, that he can never have her love back, mahirap pa rin eh, masakit. I don't know if you understand what I am going through, most of you will probably say, "Bakit kasi may asawa ang minahal mo?" To which I will reply, "Natuturuan ba ang puso?" There are things in this world that happens for a reason, and our love happened for a reason. It is here, because we are being kept alive by this love. Despite the hardships. despite the pains.

For A, I will bear even the most excruciating pain. I will give up my life just to see her smile, just to see her happy. No matter what other people say, I choose to love her. I accept everything that she is, everything that she has.

I love you Mahal. Always have, always will. To infinity and beyond.

Abigail Cruz Oliva